I was driving the Volvo, driving down a two-lane country road. The sky was a beautiful shade of light blue decorated with puffy white clouds. The smooth, faded black asphalt road gently curved in places, changing my view of farmhouses, barns, pastures with grazing cows and clumps of trees scattered providing shade. It was a peaceful and relaxing drive. A day that makes you feel happy to be alive!
I was on the phone with a friend, having a pleasant visit. Busy in conversation, I didn’t really pay much attention to the patches of clumped asphalt where the road had been repaired until the road started to become rough, patches interspersed with potholes that were easy to avoid. I felt rather than saw the road become rougher and I began to really pay attention. The road surface became grazed in places, as when asphalt is being prepared for repair, making it uncomfortable to drive on (oh, the annoying vibrations!) and very hard to hear the conversation on the phone. I was no longer relaxed, but instead alert, focused on the road, trying to ignore the vibrations.
And then the road surface changed again. It was a dark brown with gaps running along with the direction of the road that the tires got “pulled” into making it difficult to drive. It looked strange; I’m willing to bet it was made of railroad ties. Ahead the trees fell off of the horizon, the terrain giving way to a sense of emptiness. The road surface changed yet again as it went over the abyss. I couldn’t believe my eyes … it was made of 2×4’s! and it went over nothingness??!! The 2×4 road was constructed with boards laid in the direction of travel, to the thickness of the railroad ties and laid in such a way that potholes were built into the road. Worse yet, this 2×4 road was a bridge of sorts leading off of the land over an abyss, a Grand Canyon-sized abyss (or so it seemed to my freaked-out mind). I don’t recall talking any longer. I was consumed by the vision in front of me. A 2×4 road ending into … nothing.
The metal L brackets that edged the 2x4s climbed higher so that it wasn’t easy to see the depths below. But it was easy to see that the 2x4s ended and just metal brackets remained. As my car left the 2×4 surface, it floated into nothing, sort of a weightlessness, a feeling of a lack of support, of being stranded, abandoned. I was frozen with shock, just waiting to fall, but I didn’t.
The scene changed.
I was with a friend explaining what happened, not really believing what I had experienced. After all, it was a bit odd. I insisted that he come with me to make sure that I wasn’t losing my mind. My friend, being the trooper that he is, came with me. Again, we were in the Volvo, on the same beautiful road. And again, the road went from smooth to rough to railroad ties to 2x4s over an abyss. And each time there was a transition, I was pointing it out to him as if to say, “See, I’m not crazy.”
However, this time there was a major difference. This time there was a pickup truck in front of me whose tires stayed on the metal “L” brackets. I followed the truck as I left the 2×4 surface, onto the L brackets, something that I didn’t see as possible the first time. I became very quiet as all of my attention was on the path (well, really it was on the lack of a path and more like guides) in front of me. My knuckles were white, my heart was beating so hard against my chest and I was holding my breath. The metal guides took me up; I couldn’t see land any longer, just sky. All I could do was let the guides lead me all though I had no idea where or what was happening. I was too afraid to be afraid. The guides crested and all of a sudden I was looking down, not straight down, but less than a 45 degree angle. I was on a roller coaster! Over an abyss! In a car! On metal brackets! Oh Lord, what are you doing to me??!!
Having very little other option, I held on and rode downward at increasing speeds, still holding my breath. The brackets started to level out midway down the track, headed straight into the bottom corner of the abyss. Yup, right into the rock face. Miraculously the car slowed to a stop without my help and I was able to get out, all the while just looking at the rock wall at the dead end staring back at me. The car disappeared from my “consciousness” and I was able to see a metal industrial staircase in front of me. It had room for just one person, and it had handrails, THANK GOD. The staircase went straight up, seemingly out of the abyss. I looked up, knowing it was the only way to go, took a deep breath, put my hands on the rails and, trusting that my friend was behind me, I started to climb.
After a grueling journey, I reached the top, muscles burning. Feeling worn out, I was just too exhausted to even fall down to kiss the ground and cry with relief. Having just climbed out of a canyon (my abyss), I found myself on the top of a plateau. In the far distance were some cliffs or maybe mountains. The land was colored brown with some threads of orange, red and terracotta colors woven into the tapestry. There was very little vegetation, just some scrub grasses here and there, adding splotches of grey-green to the scene. In the distance I noticed a wooden building. It is weathered and patched. Moving automatically, I walked toward the building. It was a bar and grill/cafe type of a place. For such a remote location, the place was fairly full. Without thinking, I headed straight for the bathroom.
Once I finished in the bathroom, I looked around for my companion*. I saw him at the bar in discussion with the bartender, so I headed that way. I walked up to him and reached out to hold his hand. He didn’t stop his conversation, turn to look at me, or in any way acknowledge my presence. I tuned into the conversation, swiveling my head as if watching a tennis match. I heard a woman’s name mentioned so I leaned in to listen more closely. After a minute or two I looked at my companion, and realizing that I didn’t want “this,” I let go of his hand and walked through the crowd and out the front door. I looked around at the plateau, took a deep breath, and
I began to walk out toward the blank canvas that was my future.
*About 30 minutes after I woke up, I realized (a bit unhappily) that the companion wasn’t my friend as I had assumed, it was my ex-husband. But after I thought it through, I was happy that I very quickly “saw” my ex-husband for who he was and immediately walked away into a blank and uncertain future.