I haven’t had an ultrasound in a year. A bit remiss of me, I know, but I just couldn’t force myself to go. Two lymph nodes were more swollen than last year. I felt disappointed, then annoyed, and SO DONE with this thing. 

The radiologist kindly and pleasantly asked me about treatment, chemo, if I had been offered chemo, that I needed to consider chemo, and do it soon, blah, blah. I told her about my tooth infection and gut issue. And that I thought it was important to find the underlying conditions. 

She and I didn’t see eye-to-eye. I get tired of doctors who can’t see the big picture, but hyper focus on a “chemo is the only way” treatment. I picture the doctor as a cheerleader for the Chemo Crusaders football team. They are out on the field playing Cancer Calamity. 

A foul mood pervaded my space that evening, hanging over me like a cloak. I didn’t say much to my kids, I kept my thoughts to myself. I went to bed and just gave it all up. “Okay God. I’m done. I have done everything that I know to do. I have found problems and fixed my gut. I leave this to you. I surrender. At the beginning of this journey you showed me a sign. Please show me what to do next.” And I went to sleep.