Yesterday Emily and I drove 3 + hours to East Texas (Timpson) for a bridal shower for my former boyfriend’s daughter. She is a great “kid” (at close to 30, she is not a “kid,” but since I am the age of her parents, she gets to be a kid) and she has a great head on her shoulders. We had a power talk. One of those conversations when you cover hundreds of subjects and catch up on many months of happenings in 10 minutes? Yeah, we had one of those.

We covered her father’s relationship status (has a new girlfriend) and why she wasn’t invited to the shower (because I was) and that she is intimidated by me (don’t worry, honey, you aren’t the only one). I bowed out of the wedding though, so the former boyfriend can have her there as a date and I won’t have to reconnect with him. From what K said, he is having a hard time separating from me. (Normal for him – it took me over a year to break up with him, and he really did that because he started an intimate relationship with this one.) But according to the “way it is,” he is very self-centered, doesn’t connect with emotions (except his anger), and stays in FEAR inside of an intimate relationship – all of which keep him from committing.

I learned some valuable lessons from my relationship with him. One of which was TO PUT MYSELF FIRST!

Ladies – how often do you do that? Put someone before you. Okay – I get it about kids – but a life partner? What I have learned is that it is about me and what makes me feel happy.

I subconsciously thought if I made him happy then he would make me happy. Wrong. He really didn’t know how to be happy. It was a problem on the inside that was created in his childhood. Silly me for thinking that I could do anything about that.

Slowly, through our relationship, I learned that I had to feel every situation and ask myself, “Am I happy right now?” (Insert peaceful, content or any other desirable emotion.)

I realized that I was happy when he focused on me/us and communicated when he couldn’t be focused on us. But that was only 15 – 20% of the time. Most of the time I was frustrated. His listening and communicating improved, which was nice, but it wasn’t enough. I just wasn’t happy. And when I realized that, I got serious about the breakup. And when I learned he wasn’t being honest with me (or her) about the new relationship, I completely cut off all conversation. We need to decide who gets possession of the car. But otherwise – DONE.

And, as previously mentioned, I met James Paul, who is happy with himself. And I feel happy when I am around him. Another great lesson. Find a person who knows how to be happy and the whole relationship has the potential to be great. And not “fake” happy. My ex was/is “fake” happy.