Yesterday there was a bit of drama. While it isn’t worth discussing the drama and the events that caused the drama, it is worth mentioning my reaction to the events and drama.

I woke up tired and knew it was emotional; I felt pulled toward “nurturing.” I want to be nurtured. So how does that relate to how I nurture others? I don’t always nurture my kids the way I would like to. Sometimes I nurture too much and spread myself too thin. I desire and crave someone to nurture me. But it took years to realize that I need to be that someone. And then comes my empathic self. I haven’t learned to handle this piece yet. I am realizing how much and how often what I think is my stuff is really someone else’s stuff. Like OFTEN! My group lead was mad about the head honcho’s response to my letter. I took it on, but it wasn’t mine to take on. I tried to fix it. [In the bigger picture, like with my parents …] If I fix their stuff, then can nurture me right? Yeah, NOT. So the team member said I was reactive and mad. But it wasn’t me. And he couldn’t hear me. Then I got mad. I know myself so LISTEN DAMN IT! It turns out I was carrying some of group lead’s stuff and he picked up on that. So realizing that I was carrying group lead’s stuff, I talked to Leslie and after giving her the background story, I let the deluge break the wall of the dam. I understand my walls better now. Then I hold my emotion in and keep other people’s emotions out. UNLESS I take on their emotions, then the walls keep those in also. That tumor is toxic. It has a lot of my ex-husband’s toxicity because I wanted to nurture and fix him so that he’d nurture me. Obviously that didn’t work. In fact, the reality is quite the opposite. It poisoned me. My tumor has some serious emotional components. I am glad that I am going to see Chris tomorrow.

*Is there a font that denotes sarcasm? Well, I just decided that orange text and “Covered By Your Grace” will be my sarcastic font.