*For those who are unfamiliar with the Enneagram, follow this link for more information.
Reading “Cancer is not a Disease, it is a Survival Mechanism” by Andreas Moritz … Chapter 3, Section named Cancer is “Not Loving Yourself.”
It is so much easier to love yourself when others show you love; teach you that you are worthy and valuable. Then you can feel worthy and valuable. I do love myself. My dominant characteristic according to the Enneagram is Power (defined as “the ability to do”). I embrace power. I love myself when I am powerful.
But when I am weak or vulnerable? I was taught that being weak and vulnerable is not acceptable. So, how can I love myself under those circumstances? Well, actually, I cannot (a lie I have told myself), then I make it a point to NEVER be weak or vulnerable. I must be strong and powerful all of the time. That strong outer facade keeps me from being the very thing that will get me what I want from a relationship with a man.
Sigh … I had to be strong in front of my father for self-protection, but strong (avoiding my feelings) pushes aside the very men I would like to be in a relationship with, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, it does NOT allow me to SELF-NURTURE because I cannot accept my state of weakness in a loving manner.
So back to self-love and vulnerability .., Can I be weak? Can I be vulnerable? I know I have been working on vulnerability (read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown … she is amazing) for some time. But how am I BEING with the cancer? Am I being strong? Am I being strong to my detriment? So that I’m not feeling my feelings? Okay, so what are my feelings?
Well … I’m not scared. I have faith in my body to heal itself and I trust my intuition.
When it comes down to it, I feel really tired. That brings tears … tears are a sign that something resonates with me deeply. I feel tired. It has been a long stressful 10-year road. I just want a break to rest my soul, my body and my mind. I want to feel safe. I want to feel that I don’t have to achieve or measure my self-worth by my achievements.
So I begin to tell myself … I can relax, I can rest, I can rejuvenate. I can be weak (tired). I can be vulnerable and feel the tiredness, the pain and the hurt. I can feel my bones ache. I can feel the weariness in my muscles. I can feel the strings of my emotions pulled tight from feeling unsafe (there is some real fear there; accentuated by the about-face of someone you thought loved you). This feels so much like letting an Angel near just to turn and see the Devil! The Panic! The Fear pulls every chord to its limit of breaking. And, to make it scarier, only I can see the Devil, that Wolf in Sheep’s clothing; as he turns and shows the malicious smile filled with sharp teeth ready to pierce my heart. Oh GOD, is there no one to protect me from this Evil? But like facing my father, I cannot show weakness or fear. I do Thank God for that training.
But being strong is exhausting. During my divorce process, my kids resented my show of anger. But my God, I couldn’t keep it in, it overwhelmed me, forcefully exploding like lava erupting from a volcano. Underlying the anger was the fear, the weakness, the vulnerability. I can be hurt. I am vulnerable. I felt hurt. I am afraid to be vulnerable for fear of allowing the Devil to hurt me. He is evil, he is ugly, he is toxic. He is a human being trying his best with the tools his parents gave him. He has allowed his anger to overtake him and he shows it only to those he has chosen.
I tend to sacrifice myself for men that I am in a relationship with so that they will see me as a valuable and worthy person, and they will love me. This tactic has not worked. I must feel WHOLLY valuable and worthy. And I must show that 100% of the time to MYSELF. Or that cancerous emotion will eat away at me a little at a time. I can admit that I’m afraid of the Devil and ask Archangel Michael to be at my side to protect me. I can feel my fear, thereby allowing the tautness in my emotional self, my heart strings, to relax.
I do feel the exhaustion…
I will allow myself to feel the exhaustion. And I will rest.